• Kim St-Onge

It's Just Who I Am

It’s Just Who I Am




I awoke Saturday morning feeling content. You know, that, “I don’t have to get up early and rush to do something because it is Saturday, but I am so happy that it is Saturday, that I want to get up and get this free day started!” feeling?


And then, my husband spoke. And my Saturday morning excitement fell flat. Why? Not because I don’t like to hear his voice 😉Simply because he spoke of his expectations, which included starting to tear my kitchen apart.


So, instead, all day, I fought tears while I watched every layer of my home being torn apart, and things being piled randomly, and the ability to have proper meals made at the right times being taken away, and my day of rest not being restful at all...


It’s just who I am. Chaos and me, we do not get along. I could add the fact that my home has been in constant renovation for over two years now - never actually finished, but still being modified. I could say that I am a person who likes organization and schedules.


I could add that I am on hormone balancing supplements for my crazy menopausal body, and cortisol control supplements for my high level of stress hormones, so tears come pretty easily. It is definitely who I am right now.


I could also add that I do not tolerate heat well and it has been a hot summer not having a/c in our bus conversion...


I could have a lot of excuses for my miserable-ness!


I could - because that is what I allowed to bog me down that day, and maybe not just that day.


The Other Side of the Story


I have this uncanny ability , (I give partial blame to my Mom), to see life in parables - stories that parallel happenings in life and are used to illustrate a lesson - and usually those parables are aimed at me... In all actuality, I am usually the one needing the lesson...


That being said, I recently appreciated hearing a speaker talk about the real story of Lazarus being raised from the dead by Jesus, in John 11.


You know the story: Lazarus gets sick, then dies. Jesus comes a few days later, and raises Lazarus literally from the dead. As if that isn’t amazing enough!


But what caught my attention with the speaker, was this:


a. Jesus called Lazarus from the grave. Lazarus, who was dead, came out, alive. Jesus gave Lazarus NEW LIFE!


b. Jesus did not remove the grave clothes that were binding Lazarus. He told them to remove Lazarus’ grave clothes, and let him free. Lazarus couldn’t see, or move his hands or feet because of the grave clothes that bound him, even though he was now alive.


c. After Lazarus was free from his grave clothes, others believed in Jesus.


Yes, I Have Life


I believe that we all have to listen to Jesus on our own, and obey Him - come to Jesus. He gives us life, He saves us from the death of our sin. That is our new life, our salvation, and cannot be taken away, ever!


BUT, we, ourselves, are responsible to remove the grave clothes.


What Grave Clothes?


I was pretty sure I wasn’t wearing grave clothes. Yet I was kinda wrapped in my miserableness last Saturday...


What are my grave clothes? What is keeping me blinded, unable to use my hands to bless others, my feet to go where God wants me? What is hindering me from really living life?


How many years have I been working on this grave wardrobe? I mean, this is just who I am, right? Noooo...well, yes, but noooo... I have been settling in to my excuses for bad behaviour for quite a while. This is who I am, how I expect to be treated to keep me happy, and what I do not want in my life to stay that way. I come with years of teaching from the world and circumstances around me.


Those are the things I keep covering up my life with - and those habits, clothings, do not make me feel alive!


Where to Go From Here


But then, Jesus... He tells me to keep my eyes on Him (Hebrews 12:2), to keep my mind on things that are good, true, right, pure, beautiful (Philippians 4:8), to do the work that He has planned in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10), to lift my hands in praise to God (Psalm 63:4), to stretch out my hands to help those in need (Proverbs 31:20), to watch my step and keep focused on the right path (Proverbs 4:26), to use my feet to be the messenger of the Good News (Isaiah 52:7)...


I must strip those grave clothes off, those things that are binding me and keeping me tied down and unable to live in fullness of life! Jesus wants me to live ABUNDANTLY! (John 10:10b) This is His idea of where to go from here.


Unfortunately, it is just who I am - but it isn’t who I want to be. I am learning daily to be the amazing woman that God wants me to be - to be like His Son, to be who I am in Jesus. And only clothed this way, can I live, really live an abundant life.


This abundant life is what will speak to others about Jesus in me. And that is what I am created to do.


Do you have life in Jesus? Are you free from your grave clothes? Are you ready and able to really live abundantly?

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